Letting Go

I think it's safe to say that the heat of grad school has reached a maximum.  I walk into the student room & I can feel the tension.  We're all trying to finish projects, deal with family issues, & maintain our sanity.  However, I've noticed that things that once would have driven me crazy no longer have that effect.

Sure, I could let (constructive) criticism from professors bring me down like some of my peers have been doing.  But I truly appreciate the tips they have for me.  I'm not paying all of this money to graduate a mediocre SLP.  That being said, I'm also not allowing my grades to stress me out as I once would have.  There was a day (ok, probably last spring) that I would have dwelled on a grade below oh, a 95.  I've come to realize that my diploma's a diploma whether I have a 4.0 or a 3.8.  As long as I know that I am still striving for my best, then I refuse to freak out like others have been doing.  Attending college & having parents who are willing to help me with some of my bills is a blessing in & of itself. 

Additionally, I am learning to let go of some old, negative feelings toward one of my grandmothers.  Shocked that I'm admitting this?!  I am not perfect, nor will I ever claim to be.  Of course, I've never stopped loving my grandmother, but she's said & done some hurtful things directed toward certain members of my family, myself included.  I'm not sure if it's because her health has been declining & she's recovering from her surgery in September, or if I'm just realizing now that forgiveness is truly where the healing begins.  For the first time in a long time, I am able to call her on the phone and not hang up feeling worse than I did before I spoke with her.  Our relationship is not perfect, but it's a work in progress, kind of like my relationship with Christ.  Letting go has allowed me to find a peace about my relationship with my grandmother and approach her with a genuine compassion. 

As odd as it may seem, I am truly thankful to have gone through surgery this summer.  Nothing like hearing you may only have 8-10 years left to live to put things in perspective.  I've come through this summer a lot more laid-back and much more grateful for all of the crazy, awesome people & opportunities God has put in my life.  I continue to cast my cares on Him & I continue to find that He DOES indeed sustain me!!

I found this quote that summarizes a lot of my feelings that I could not put down on paper.  Unfortunately I'm not sure who wrote it, so I can't give credit where credit is due, but nonetheless I'd like to leave you with this:

“To let go doesn’t mean to stop caring. It means I can’t do it for someone else.  To let go is not to cut myself off. It’s the realization that I can’t control another. To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences. To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. To let go is not to try to change or blame another; I can only change myself. To let go is not to care for, but to care about. To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive. To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being. To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes but to allow others to affect their own outcomes. To let go is not to be protective. It is to permit another to face reality. To let go it not to deny, but accept. To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is not to adjust everything to my own desires, but to take each day as it comes & to cherish the moment. To let go is not to criticize & regulate anyone, but to become the best I can be. To let go is not to regret the past, but to grow & live for the future. To let go is to fear less, trust in God more, and freely give the love He’s given to me.”

~God bless you this Christmas season!! 
Emily

10 things they don't tell you about open heart surgery

1.  The night before surgery is probably worse than the actual surgery.
2.  Your surgeon is not expecting you to ask him to be cautious of your vagus nerve (especially since he is
      used to the pediatric population) so be prepared for an interesting reaction (thank YOU, speech-
      pathology major!!).
3.  They'll warn you about all of the tubes, wires, & lines: central line, chest tube, IV, catheter, EKG wires,
     etc., etc...BUT they may have forgotten to warn you about the arterial line (A-line).  The A-line is
     probably the worst because they put a wooden splint on your arm and the stinkin' line sticks straight into
     your wrist.  As luck would have it, mine was in my left hand (and YES, I am a lefty).
4.  You might wake up feeling like you were hit by a bus.  Breathing seems impossible (think of that
      medication commercial where the elephant is sitting on the woman's chest), but have no fears, it gets
      better!
5.  The day (or week) before your surgery when you meet your anesthesiologist, don't panic if he says, "Oh,
     wow!! Your tonsils are HUGE!! Hopefully we can still intubate you..."
6.  After you wake up from the surgery, it will save your nurse a heck of a lot of trouble if she just brings you
     an entire pitcher of water...Actually, an entire lake might suffice.
7.  On that note, it doesn't hurt to become best friends with your nurses.  They're lifesavers and I had some
     pretty great conversations with them (being on pain meds didn't hurt the conversations either!! :-)).
8.  The actual pain from the surgery is not as bad as people make it sound like it is going to be (at least in my
     case!).  Take your meds on a regular schedule & don't let the pain get ahead of you, and it's tolerable. 
     Sure, it's not something I'd want to do again, but it's manageable.  And I daresay it was good practice for
     me in case I ever have to give birth...(but at least after labor, there's a prize at the end!!).
9.  The love & support that you get from your family & friends is AMAZING. 
10. Keep a positive attitude throughout & the recovery process will go so much faster.  Never forget that
     God is carrying you through the entire process & that there are other out there who truly do understand
     what you are going through.

                                    (No, I don't look flattering here, but what do you expect?!?)

Forever in my heart

A week ago today we had to put one of my dogs down due to liver failure resulting from diabetes.  If you know me, you know how very dear all of my pets are to me.  They are not just animals; they are family.  I cherish each and every one of them and I truly believe that God has put them in our lives to teach us compassion and selflessness, among other things.

My relationship with Timber, our keeshond, will always remain special to me.  He was the first dog that my brothers and I watched grow from puppyhood (I only remember our first dog, Max, as an old dog).  Timber was diagnosed with diabetes & pancreatitis, at the age of 9, nearly one week after I was diagnosed with my CHD.  To me, it seemed as though we survived this summer as a team.  We enjoyed the good days together and survived the bad days as they came. He was my listening ear as I worked through some of the emotional implications of my newly diagnosed heart defect.  When I would have fainting spells when no one (human-wise!) was home, Timber remained steadfast by my side, licking my face and nudging me until I awoke.   As we neared my surgery date and the fainting spells continued, Timber even began sensing the spells before they occurred and would whine at me until I sat down or put myself in some other "safer" position.  Of course, Timber was always aware of his surroundings, once alerting us to the fact that our elderly neighbor lady had fallen in the backyard and broken her hip.  It should have been no surprise to me that he would be looking out for me as well. 

As difficult as it is to say good-bye, we owed it to Timber to make the decision to end his pain & suffering.  Afterall, it's not truly "good-bye."  I'll see my sweet baby again one day.  In the meantime, I know that my best friend and one of the loves of my life remains my guardian from up above. 

  

 

Life>>Full speed ahead

Here we are, mid-October, and graduate school is coming at me full-force!  Life has been hectic, to say the least, these past few weeks.  And yet, somehow we'll all survive.  According to the countdown in our student room, we only have 601 days until graduation, not that anyone's counting!! :)  And yet, even amidst the chaos I can't help but find glimpses of joy peaking through.

Things that have made me happy in the past several weeks:

• The changing colors of the leaves
• Roommates who can make me laugh (even at myself)
• Coffee & tea
• My plethora of pets
• The fact that Fall Break is right around the corner
• Several food blogs that I have recently discovered
• All things pumpkin & apple (are you sensing a Fall theme yet??)
• I am finally able to go to the gym again!! Woohoo for being post-surgery
• Skyping with loved ones
• Baby Scarlet received her new heart & is doing well!!!  (God is faithful!!)
• That Tim Tebow was on the Biggest Loser this week (Just a **slight** crush...No big deal :) )
• That God continues to be faithful in my life

Who among the gods is like you, Lord? Who is like you— majestic in holiness, awesome in glory, working wonders? Exodus 15:10-12

Even in the craziness of this life, I hope to never stop looking for God's simplest wonders & I hope you take the time to find them too.

~~Emily~~

Surgery day~Happily a thing of the past!

My grandmother had surgery this week & it's gotten me thinking about some of my memories of my own surgery.  The day before the surgery we (my parents and myself) met the anesthesiologist and surgeon.  I especially appreciated the surgeon taking so much time to answer my questions and putting to rest some of my concerns that I can thank Web MD for!!  :P  He was a pediatric surgeon, so I don't think he was quite as accustomed to his patients asking so many intelligent sounding questions.  He was also very patient with my parents and reassured my mother (who is a nurse and had her own novel worth of questions). 

The day of the surgery we had to be at the hospital at the crack of dawn, which didn't really matter because I hadn't slept all that well to begin with.  About a dozen people were waiting in the surgery intake area and I was the youngest by far.  Nerves were quickly eased when we loaded onto the elevator and two sweet, old ladies whose wheelchairs were facing each other started talking about having a duel and motioning their canes at one another.  As we left the elevator, they reached across and sqeezed each other's hands & expressed well wishes as they each prepared for their own operations.  When facing surgery, the boundaries that humans create exist no more.  We all hope and pray for similar outcomes.

Once they'd taken me back to change & such, it was just Mom & I for a while.  I have no idea what my dad did during this time...Probably sleep & I couldn't blame him for that!! None of us are morning people! Eventually, an anesthesiologist resident came in to start my IV & give me a medication to relax me.  I believe her name was Dr. Maggie and she was the world's absolute sweetest person.  I may not remember all that we talked about, but I will never forget how comfortable she made me feel!! I seriously wouldn't mind adopting her as an older sister!  Maybe one day I'll track her down, hehe.  But I absolutely felt that God placed her there in order to ease my fears.  She was my modern-day angel, I guess you could say.  Once they let my dad come back & I prayed and said good-bye to my parents, they took my glasses off & I couldn't see a thing!  I distinctly remember Dr. Maggie grabbing my hand as they rolled me down the hall to the OR.  She said something to the effect of "I'm not going anywhere."  Whatever it was that she said gave me such a peace  that I know God's hand was right there with me too.  I also recall the anesthesiologist asking if I was "ready to rock'n'roll, kiddo" and the surgeon coming in to make sure I was ok.  Then came the gas mask, and the rest of my morning was history (I much prefer it that way, too!).

When I came to, around 1:30 in the afternoon, or so I've been told, I vaguely remember telling someone (I'm told it was my parents) that I'd been "hit by a bus."  I'm grateful that I can't really remember what exactly that felt like, but I know I'd never felt that way before, nor do I want to ever feel that way again!  I won't bore you with the details of my afternoon (it was pretty low-key, to say the least!!), but I thank God every day for the wonderful nurses and surgeon that he put in my path, as well as for the wonderful creation of painkillers!!

Overall, I think this whole experience was more difficult for my parents than for me.  I know they worried and that in and of itself nearly broke my heart (or what was left of it to break!!).  The hardest part for me was that first night in the hospital, especially since I was in the ICU, where they check on you hourly and you  have the stinkin' beeps and buzzes from the machines all night!  Again, I'm so grateful for night shift nurses (my mother is one, holla!!).  My only saving grace that night and my only hope to get any rest, was my iPod.  I remember hitting replay over and over again and just letting the encouraging words of Tenth Avenue North take me away to another place.  The lyrics to "Hold My Heart" especially touched me that night as it is easy to feel like we are not important to God, after all we're just ONE person.  However, God doesn't care if you're worried about a test, worried about paying bills, or worried about open heart surgery.  No matter how small you think your problem is, it matters to Him and I certainly needed that reminder that night in the ICU.  If you've never heard the song, I encourage you to listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry6udsW9leA&feature=related

"So many questions without answers, You're promises remain....Could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?....Would You come close and hold my heart?"

Praying you all have a wonderful week!
Joyfully,
Emily

12 weeks post-op!!

It's almost unbelievable to me that tomorrow marks my 12th week since my open heart surgery!! In other words, I'm offically done with the "Recovery Period!!!!!!"  This of course is slightly ironic, since "recovery" from congenital heart disease (CHD) is a lifelong process.  Nonetheless, I am so grateful to God and my awesome drs and nurses for how far I've come!  Feeling much more relaxed than I did that night before the surgery.  :) 

I remember how scared I was, first when I was diagnosed with my ASD and cleft mitral valve, and then that last week before my surgery, as that date--June 24th, 2011--seemingly loomed over my head.  But I also recall how at peace I felt throughout the whole process, because I KNEW that God was carrying me through this experience.  Although later than most with CHD, my diagnosis came at the absolute perfect timing for ME! I was able to schedule my surgery for the last free summer that I have...Next summer will be consumed by graduate classes and clinical work!  Also, we caught this before any of the major "complications" (like strokes/hypertension) came into play.  According to my surgeon, without repairing my heart, my life expectancy would have been 30-35 years old.  Believe me when I tell you, it is quite the shock to hear that you may only have 8 years or so to live.  Even though I realize that God is the ultimate decision-maker and when He decides to come for me, I will greet him happily, I'm hoping I get to stick around this earth for a little while longer.  And after this experience, I'm thinking that He's got some pretty big plans for me!!

Soon I will probably write of my memories of the surgery itself, but for now I shall say adieu and leave you with a parting scripture, that has been my crutch this summer.

Test me O Lord, and try me,
examine my heart and my mind;
for I have always been mindful of Your unfailing love
and have lived in reliance on Your faithfulness.
Psalm 26:2-4

Blessings to you & yours,
~Emily

Introduction

This may not be the most eloquent thing you ever read (if anyone out there ends up reading this!).  Nor is it guaranteed to entertain you.  This is just something that I've been wanting to do for a while now, to share life through my perspective...

A little bit about myself!
My name is Emily and I'm a 22 year old in my first year of graduate school for speech language pathology.  School is ridiculous at times (ok, ALL the time!!), but I know I'm going into a career that I'll love...I get to help people talk-What could possibly be better?!?  This past year has taken me down roads I never expected to travel.  In April I was diagnosed with a couple of congenital heart defects.  In June I underwent open heart surgery and spent the rest of my summer recovering.  In August I began grad school and now, here we are today! 

Through it all, one thing has remained constant in my life~ God has been holding my hand through everything.  Even on the worst days, I can see Him working in my life.  How is He working in yours??